My Experience With Postpartum Anxiety & Depression

"Do you think you'll get postpartum depression?", a lot of friends and family would ask me when I was pregnant. If you've read some of my other blog posts, you would see that I have struggled with severe anxiety in the past. 

"I don't know, probably", was often my reply.

Given my history with mood disorders, I assumed it could be likely I would experience some struggles postpartum. Little did I know at the time how hard and fast it would hit me. 

Beginning in the first trimester, I experienced depression. Despite being quite open about my mental health, I remained mostly quiet about depression throughout my pregnancy. Since anxiety was more dominant for me in the past, lingering depression was a newer learning curve for me. I believe I kept quiet for a few different reasons:

• Depression caused a lack of motivation and energy, making it so I didn't want to do anything I normally enjoyed doing. I also didn't feel like talking to anyone. This was completely out of the norm for me. 
• I believed that my depression made me less of a mom. I felt ashamed for feeling such a way and thinking certain thoughts, because I knew it was such a blessing to be pregnant. I didn't want others to see me the way I saw myself.
• Feeling crummy is often just a normal part of pregnancy
• I didn't feel worthy to be a mom

Like a lot of moms, I felt pretty miserable for the majority of the 9 months being pregnant. I had horrible pregnancy rhinitis, which made it extremely difficult to breathe (in addition to a little human suffocating my lungs), nausea, food aversions, restless legs, etc. I wasn't able to stand for longer than a few minutes without nearly passing out. I even got thrush!

The nausea, however, was the most debilitating for me. Thankfully it mostly went away halfway through the second trimester. I believe that's what triggered the depression (along with raging hormones I'm sure). The nausea caused me to have a lot of negative thought processes which made me feel hopeless. 

I had thoughts like: 

• I might have to have to endure this for the entire 9 months. That's almost a year!
• I really underestimated how hard pregnancy would be. If it's this hard, how hard is motherhood going to be?
• I can't do this. I'm not ready for this
• What if the baby doesn't like me? 
• What if I don't like the baby?
• I don't want to be pregnant anymore

These thoughts made me feel very selfish and shameful. "What kind of a mom thinks these thoughts?", I thought. I had a hard time recognizing that thoughts are not facts. Thankfully my husband was very supportive and encouraging and helped me recognize that many moms have these thoughts, and it was not indicative of the mom I would actually become. 

I would look at other pregnant friends on social media who would frequently post progress bump pictures and maternity photoshoots. All I could think was "you have the energy to do that?" 

I honestly think I only took one progress bump photo, and it was near the end of my pregnancy. I wanted a baby, I just didn't want to be pregnant! I was quite impatient. I also didn't feel beautiful in my body. I was constantly uncomfortable, none of my clothes fit, and I just felt big. 

I woke up nearly every day in tears (until the nausea went away) knowing that I'd have to do another day all over again. I would repeat "I can't do this anymore", because every day was so hard! Any movement would make me throw up. I could barely keep anything down. Not to mention I was sick through all of the major holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years). I would throw up my nausea medication a lot too which was beyond frustrating. I didn't even have nausea nearly as bad as some moms who require IV fluids (although fluids probably would've helped me feel a lot better). 

There were several weeks where taking care of myself was overwhelmingly difficult. Showering and brushing my teeth were the hardest chores. When I did finally shower, I didn't even have the energy to brush my hair afterwards. I would put it up in a bun after ringing out the water, and I would leave it like that for days. This made my hair so matted that I thought at one point, I didn't think I'd be able to brush it out. My husband had to tangle out the knots so I wouldn't have to cut it. 

I knew I needed to try things to help me be more positive. Some of these things included mindfulness and a gratitude journal. Some days the only things good I had to write were:

• I'm grateful I didn't throw up my macaroni and cheese
• I'm grateful I'm one day closer to feeling better

And eventually I did get better, so I'm grateful I pushed through! 

I actually felt the best during my third trimester. I know most women really dislike that part, but I found it to be my favorite. I loved waking up every day and wondering "will this be the day the baby comes?" It was fun and exciting, even though it was still challenging physically. 

And don't get my wrong, there were definitely lots of enjoyable parts of pregnancy (finding out we were pregnant, feeling baby move, etc.) I loved recording her move in my tummy! I just wasn't expecting pregnancy to be as hard as it was. And as happy as it makes me that more light is shining on postpartum mental health, I hope that we can also soon see that prenatal depression is common as well! (And that's not a bad thing, it just means we need some extra support to navigate through our new emotions and feelings). 

Once our baby was born, I remember saying immediately after: "Wow, I feel like myself again!". I could finally breathe! I was so extremely HAPPY. Our little girl was (is) perfect. 

Ada Cynthia Snow

I understand why women would go through it all again, because the joy children bring surpasses all of the bad a millionfold ♡.  

Words can't describe the amount of love we have for her. 

Before leaving the hospital, we received a lot of education and resources to help us with our new life adjustment. One topic specifically was, of course, postpartum depression (PPD). I remember my nurse saying: "If you experience postpartum depression, you will notice it in 2 weeks"; however, she was sorely misinformed. 

About two days after I was discharged from the hospital, I started experiencing several heart palpitations. Heart palpitations weren't new for me, but these were quite intense and scary which I hadn't had in a while. I messaged my doctor and asked if this was normal postpartum, to which he replied "it can be". 

As the day went on, I began to feel extremely anxious and restless. I didn't understand what was going on with my body. The sensation was a bit different than what I had experienced with anxiety in the past. This feeling was more constant and seemed to buildup over and over throughout the day in waves. I had panic attacks and extremely intrusive "what if" thoughts that consumed me. I was excessively worried about my health and our baby's health. I also feared dying or the thought of potentially harming my baby due to my unstable state.

 

Thankfully, due to my past experience with severe anxiety, I had a lot of tools and resources that I could utilize to help me cope. I was much more accepting of "this could be anxiety", and I recognized that my mental health needed help. I contacted my therapist, who I hadn't seen in over a year, and spoke to him in tears asking if I could schedule an appointment for a mental health "crisis". He was able to refer me to a therapist who had experience with postpartum women, and she got me in the same day! My husband and baby were able to come with me. I had felt so lightheaded that I couldn't stand for a very long time. My therapist did such a great job at reassuring me that this was completely normal. 

She said: "What you are experiencing is postpartum depression. They call it postpartum depression, but it is also anxiety (PPA). It is purely chemical". 

She was able to explain the nature of PPA (how and why it happens), along with how I can best calm myself during moments of anxiousness & panicking. She asked if I had any thoughts of harming my baby (at the time I didn't, but later on I did), and she said that if I am that it is normal with this condition and not something to be ashamed of. 

I previously thought postpartum depression was limited to JUST depression. Although I clearly had both anxiety and depression, anxiety was much more dominant in nature. I was also surprised to realize this could hit me so suddenly after birth.

My doctor had me get back on my antidepressant immediately, but I felt discouraged because I knew that the medication took several weeks to work at full force. Additionally, I knew I would experience the unfortunate side effects during the first week or two as my brain chemistry adjusted. 

My husband and I were extremely exhausted and overwhelmed. I had labored throughout the night, and with a newborn at home (and being first-time parents), we practically didn't sleep the following nights either. We were both anxious and emotional, and I was still in a lot of pain as I was recovering. I also had an extreme lack of appetite. I would force myself to eat, but it made me nauseous. It felt like I was back in the first trimester again. 

Breastfeeding every 2-3 hours (and still figuring out how to do that), bleeding & pain, extreme lack of sleep, anxiety & panic, hormone shifts, poor nutrition, along with the stress of learning to care for our new baby was all a HUGE adjustment and life change.

I would cry multiple times throughout the day. Logically, I understood what was going on, but because my brain was flooding constantly with irrational thoughts, I was constantly in battle with my mind. I pretty much felt dissociated from everything the entire first couple of months after birth. It's all such a blur to me. 

I even experienced depersonalization for a couple days, a sensation where I would move my body but it felt like I was in slow motion or a dream. 

Sitting outside or in the shower helped when I felt the panic build up. My husband was THE MOST supportive and compassionate during that time (and continues to be). I will forever be grateful for his love, understanding, patience, and long-suffering as we both endured such a trial. Something that also helped me a lot was when he would say: "Talk to me. You don't need to go through this alone. Don't internalize your thoughts. We will get through this". 

I was terrified I would need to be admitted in the behavioral health access center (like an ER for mental health). That thought saddened me to think I might need to leave my baby. Thoughts flooded my mind such as:

• How will my baby eat without me? I want her to have my breastmilk
• If I do end up admitted, how will I manage pumping? I still don't know what I'm doing
• What if I can't manage the panic? What if it never goes away?
• What if I can't care for my baby?
• I need crisis medication to help me relax, but I can't take them because I'm breastfeeding. Should I pump and dump? But I don't have enough breastmilk stored yet... I want to do what's best for my baby. 
• What if I actually do harm my baby because I'm having such crazy thoughts? What if I get postpartum psychosis? 
• If I seek help and share that I've had thoughts of harming my baby, they are going to keep me from seeing her
• What if my anxiety is making my baby anxious? That makes me sad
• I'm failing as a mom

I had to realize that what's best for our baby is first taking care of ourselves so that we could best take care of her. Regardless of whether I needed medication or needed to be admitted... I just kept reminding myself of my husband's encouraging words "we'll get through it" and "we'll do what we need to do" to get us all taken care of (even if that meant temporarily pausing my mom expectations). 

Things were severe enough that I would panic looking at or even thinking about Ada. I had no control over that. It was a physical feeling that I experienced regardless of how positive my thought processes were. My hormones and brain chemistry were trying to rebalance themselves, and my emotions were at their mercy, along for the ride. 

Sometimes all I could do was breastfeed Ada (because she needed that to survive), and I would then need to pass her to somebody else immediately once she finished. I was constantly shaky and on edge. 

Being a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I was so grateful to have ward and family members check-in on us. We had so many people bring us meals and ask about my physical and mental recovery state. I felt so loved during a difficult time. One sister was able to share her personal experience with PPD with me, which was very comforting to know that I wasn't alone and that this time would pass. She even brought my husband and I yummy swig drinks as we just sat and talked together.

We even had some family stay the night one night and watch Ada so we were able to try and catch up on sleep. 

Slowly but surely, I did get better. I am still healing mentally, emotionally, and physically, but my symptoms are much more manageable. I am amazed by how much there is to learn about mental health. I think I will always be learning and adapting as I go throughout life.

I feel inspired to share my experience for a few reasons:

1. Writing and creating are hobbies for me, and participating in things that I enjoy is excellent for mental health
2. I am passionate about helping others who are struggling. It gives me happiness and purpose If I can help even one person to feel less alone in their own personal trials
3. For me to look back on my hard times and remind myself of my personal growth when other hard times approach in the future
4. I want my daughter to know that there will be ups and downs in life, but ultimately they give us wisdom and perspective

As I am still learning and recovering, a talk that has brought me a lot of comfort is Waiting on the Lord: 

I also really loved watching this video Facing Postpartum Anxiety and OCD:

Another resource I have found to be helpful is joining a facebook support group. You can find it by searching "Postpartum Anxiety Support Group". 

PPD / PPA can be a sensitive topic for mamas. PPD / PPA are extremely common, and many women suffer alone for a variety of different reasons.

If you see a mom you know who recently had a baby, hug her tight! I'm so happy that more light is shining on PPD / PPA, so that families can get the help they need.

Moms have so much love for their babies, and the adjustment of caring for them can be overwhelming both physically and mentally.

So if you're a mama, YOU'RE DOING GREAT. Seek the help you need, or lend a hand to someone you know who needs help!

Some things to remember about postpartum depression:

• The phrase postpartum depression also refers to postpartum anxiety
• Moms may experience extreme feelings of worry, fear, panic, and hopelessness
• "What if" thoughts are very intrusive, and it can help to remember that thoughts are not facts and do not define who we are or have power over our actions. Thoughts are simply, thoughts
• Major hormone shifts, combined with stress and lack of sleep after delivery create mood imbalances
• That is why "baby blues" are common in the first two weeks postpartum. However, if symptoms are debilitating and persistent, it is likely to be PPD / PPA
• PPD / PPA is often the worst in the first days following delivery. Patients with a history of mood disorders, including premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD/PMS) are more at risk.
• Moms need extra love during this time and should be reassured that she is being a great mom and that she will get better with time and appropriate help
• It can be hard for moms to care for their baby. Some may even have panic attacks caring for or thinking about their babies. 
• Receiving help from friends and family can help mom tremendously during her recovery.
• This is all common, and help/resources are available

♡♡♡♡♡