Anxiety. Depression. Peace

My Experience With Anxiety

I never would have considered myself an anxious person. 

In fact, I would say that I coped with stress very well. 

Like everyone else, I would get anxious every now and then when it came to things like taking an exam, applying for a new job, public speaking, etc. 

It wasn't until August of 2019 that I had a panic attack (although I didn't know what it was at the time). I was in the kitchen at about 8pm prepping for my lunch to bring to school the following day. I was cutting an apple when I suddenly felt my heart leap out of my chest. It was the biggest heart palpitation I had ever felt. 

Next, the vision in my left eye started to black out. I immediately felt the need to quickly sit on the ground in case I were to pass out. I shouted for my husband and told him something didn't feel right. I was very shaky, light-headed, and short of breath. We got some pillows and propped my feet up right there on the kitchen floor. I felt for a radial pulse (being a nursing student and all), but in all of my panic... I couldn't feel one. I yelled "I can't feel a pulse... my heart's not beating!" (we were just learning about heart dysrhythmias in class that week, which obviously didn't help the matter, haha!). I panicked even more as I started to feel a sensation of passing out. I thought I was going under. I felt an "impending sense of doom". I thought that my husband would soon be doing chest compressions on me right there on our kitchen floor. 

My husband proceeded to call 911. Shortly after, I could feel my heart start to beat in my chest again... I started to calm down. Of course it was beating crazy fast, but I could feel it, which calmed me. I told my husband to cancel the 911 call and that we might just drive to the ER since I was more stable. After a few minutes of laying on the floor, I remember repeating "that was really weird" over and over. Finally I felt back to normal, and we decided to move me over to the bed to lay down somewhere other than the kitchen floor. The second I stood up, the room started spinning and I felt very nauseous. Again I thought... "something's not right". As I made it over to the bed and laid there, I started to feel my hands and feet go tingly (like pins and needles). "That's weird" I thought. Then I started to panic. We took my blood pressure, which was normal, but then I realized my fingers started to curl. I couldn't move them anymore! The tingly sensations I had felt started to creep up my legs and into my stomach. The curling of my fingers lead to curling of my entire arms and feet. 

Boy was I afraid. 

My husband picked me up and we hurried out the door without even closing it. We drove to the ER and got me admitted. It all seemed so silly to me, yet so scary. None of it made any sense. I realized I might be having a panic attack, but was this normal? There's no way this is "just" a panic attack. The symptoms were so extreme. Not only was I hyperventilating, but I had full body tremors which shook the ER bed and made it difficult to get an EKG. An IV was started, blood was drawn, and I was given fluids and Ativan to get my body to calm down. I was told that it was all adrenaline, and my body should be calm again within half an hour.

Great support system here!

When they got my bloodwork back, it revealed that I had a low potassium level of 2.7 (normal is 3.5-4.5) and metabolic acidosis. No one really knew why (because I wasn't sick and losing fluids). My EKG looked great. We all just thought it was a fluke thing, so I was sent home and told to increase my potassium intake by eating potassium-rich foods. 

A month later, the same thing happened again... only I was home alone and relaxing on my bed. I wasn't sure what to do. I had been increasing my potassium, so why was this happening again?? I started to panic. I called 911. By the time the paramedics came, my "episode" was over. I was just shaky and lightheaded again. They hooked me up to a portable EKG monitor when it started to happen again. I could feel my heart rate increase significantly. They witnessed it peak to about 180bpm. They were worried about my recent history of low potassium and thought I might possibly be in an arrhythmia called supra-ventricular tachycardia (SVT). I didn't want to ride in an ambulance because of the rumors I had heard of how expensive it was... especially considering we had just visited the ER a month ago. However, I was home alone, and my symptoms were very concerning to the paramedics. At that point I wasn't even able to walk because my feet and hands were curled again, so I reluctantly agreed. They strapped me to a gurney... no shoes.. no phone... and away I went. When I got admitted, the process from the previous month was repeated. 

Me trying to have a positive attitude

More Ativan, more blood draws, more tremors, and another EKG. Other than sinus tachycardia (high heart rate), everything came back normal. Just some more low potassium (this time about 3.0). While most people would be happy with normal results, I was discouraged. Why was this happening to me? Everyone was saying I'm 'normal' but something was definitely not right. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid of it happening again. What if this was some serious heart condition? 

They again replaced my potassium, and made a referral with electrophysiology to see what was going on with my heart. Unfortunately, the appointments were all booked out a month... so I had to carry on with all my problems and hope I made it that long to get help. They taught me to do vagal maneuvers (to stimulate the vagus nerve which would help reset my heart to a normal rhythm). They recommended trying bearing down (like I need to poop) or sticking my head in ice water. This caused me to believe that there truly was something wrong with my heart and that I could potentially pass out at any moment and never wake up again.

So they sent me home again. The following night it kept happening. I tried to keep my heart rate down, but it wouldn't go below 130bpm. We tried sticking my face in bowls full of ice water, which seemed to help a little, but only temporarily. We tried doing things as a distraction to try and calm me such as going on walks, taking a bath, massages, etc... but to no avail. We pulled an all nighter until, at about 4:30am, I said we had better go back to the ER. We were exhausted. 

This time when we got admitted, the doctor ordered a bolus of a drug called amiodarone. We had learned about this in class about how it helps reset the heart in the case of a dysrhythmia, but no one taught about how it would make a patient feel upon receiving it. Before I knew it, there were a lot of medical personel gathering in the room around me to monitor my heart (that was pretty scary). My nurse said "this medication will make you feel a little funny". "Okay?", I thought... as she pushed it in. My heart beat like a wild man inside my chest. If I thought I was gonna die before, I really thought I was gonna die now. It made me move around on the bed and grimace in utter discomfort and fear. I tried to control my breathing in order to keep the tingling and curling of my limbs under control, but it was near impossible after being put through this. 

My heart rate stayed the same. High. So the doctor said, "let's get ready to push another". I remember saying "Please no. Not again." They first gave me a beta-blocker to see if that might help, which, thankfully it did. It brought it down to almost below 100bpm. The amiodarone was no longer needed. I could have cried tears of gratitude, but I was too afraid to in case it were to trigger my heart rate to shoot back up again. 

After I was temporarily fixed, they sent me home... only to come back for a 4th time later that evening with the same problem. When my tests came back normal again that time, the doctor finally had a sit down with me and said "this might be anxiety". Your EKG looks excellent. That was the first time I was ever officially introduced to the idea of anxiety being a cause for all my physical symptoms. He explained that an apple watch might be good because I can distinguish if my heart rhythm is normal sinus or SVT by looking for the presence/absence of P-waves (nursing stuff). Anyways, my dad ended up getting me an apple watch to help me out with that. We also discovered my potassium was low again (3.2), so we replaced that and I was sent on my merry way. 

The apple watch helped a lot at easing some anxiety. It lasted maybe a week until I had another severe "episode". I hadn't slept in a few days because I was so afraid. To top it off, I was dealing with school. Summer had just ended, and I was fresh into my second week of the 3rd semester of nursing school. I was convinced my potassium had to be low, so back to the ER I went for fear of a life-threatening dysrhythmia or heart malfunction which would potentially end my life. In my mind, it had to be anything except anxiety. 

So, for the fifth time, we were admitted to the ER to find that everything came back normal except some mildly low potassium (3.4). I asked the doctor "could this be panic attacks that I'm having?" He said, "It's hard to know. Is anxiety causing the problems, or are health problems causing the anxiety? Did the chicken or the egg come first?" So we had to rule out all the big bad stuff before I could get a diagnosis. 

I had experienced trauma with all of these experiences, and yet I still pushed through school. One school day, my husband had helped me walk into school by carrying my backpack. After taking the elevator to the third floor, I looked at my watch to see my heart rate was 184 bpm, and I was out of breath with tremors. I walked (more like limped) up to my professor and started to explain my situation. She took one look at my heart rate display on my watch and simply said "holy shit, you need to go to the ER and be cardioverted." To which my reply was, "I can't go because I've already been in several times, and there's nothing more they can do. I am waiting for an appointment with the heart doctor". She sent me home to rest! 

So I impatiently waited for my heart appointment, until the day finally came. 

Holter monitor

I had to wear a holter monitor for 48 hours and get an echocardiogram. Of course, everything came back exceptionally normal. Other than my "episodes" of high heart rates, I was in normal sinus rhythm every time. The PA explained that he normally sees this in pregnant women (but I wasn't pregnant). I was, however, just getting off a birth control shot, and it seemed to flare up more on my period... so we thought there might be some correlation with my hormones. The only other thing he said it could be is a rare hormone-secreting tumor called a paraganglioma; however, since my blood pressure was normal, he wasn't concerned. 

As time went on... my "episodes" were happening more frequently than just once a week or month... it was about every two days. So I thought I'd go to the OBGYN and endocrinologist to make sure everything checked out okay on their end (hormone wise). Everything looked good. Of course. 

Eventually, these "episodes" started to wake me up from my sleep. I would wake up with a racing heart and whole body trembling. I had my husband record them so I could start showing my doctors what was going on.

After a panic attack in the middle of the night

One day during my clinicals at the hospital, I was observing my nurse do nursing stuff when I had an "episode" right there. My heart rate increased and I started to feel dizzy. I remember feeling embarrassed because everyone probably thought I was going to pass out (since nursing students are known for that). I sat down for my safety, and let it pass. Everyone kept asking if I was alright. I had gone through it so many times that I just let it ride it out until it passed (plus I knew I was in good hands being right there in the hospital). I couldn't walk normal afterwards due to my extreme tremoring muscles, which made it difficult to get through the last few hours of my clinical shift. My shoulders also did a weird involuntary jerking motion which was exhausting. 

Shoulder Jerking

While still trying to accept that this might be anxiety, after my clinicals I could barely walk to my car. I thought "this is strange... it's been over an hour and I'm still having tremors." I had to have my nursing friends take hold of me on each side to assist me in walking. 

                Tremors/difficulty walking around 10pm after my 10 hour clinical shift at the hospital

I thought "this should be gone by the morning". But to my surprise, it was still there when I woke up. Not only that... but they lasted about a week. Then it finally hit me... I can't walk. What is wrong with me? So I went to the doctor's office. He was concerned this might be neurological, so he referred me to neurology... which was booked out for two months!!! How do they expect me to not walk for two more months?! I couldn't take it one more day. I was desperate.

Many people I had spoken with about my experience had mentioned the idea of possibly going up north to the university of Utah hospital since they run things a little differently there. Rather than waiting weeks-months to try to be seen by different specialists, they instead have all the specialists right there to assess you and order the appropriate tests. So after much thought, we traveled and got admitted into the ER up there. 

Within one day of being admitted, I was given an official diagnosis, which was such a blessing because I'm not sure I could have made it one more day! Neurology ruled out anything serious. I had a complete negative workup with several doctors on my case to tell me that I had panic disorder with accompanying conversion disorder (why I couldn't walk). I was taught that anxiety can cause extreme physical symptoms which, in extreme cases, can even include pseudo-seizures, blacking out, or paralysis.

So, they started me on an SSRI (an antidepressant called Celexa), as well as a beta blocker (propranolol) to help tackle both the mental and physical components of my diagnosis. I was also prescribed to follow-up with my primary healthcare provider for further medication adjustments. They mentioned I would possibly need to meet with physical therapy for my conversion disorder to help me walk again, as well as meet with a psychologist (all which would be discussed with my doctor back in St. George). 

Happy faces! Me being discharged after getting diagnosed with panic disorder (still not able to walk)

After my diagnosis, I was so relieved. Before this point, I had started building up ideas that I had some sort of degenerative disease. While I was relieved, I knew I still had a long way to go before I was fully recovered. I wondered how I was going to break the news to my classmates. I felt kind of awkward telling them it was "just panic disorder", but I was just starting to realize that it was so much more than "just" panic disorder. This was a big deal that had debilitated me, so I tried to change my own negative stigma about mental health to be more positive. After updating my classmates via group text about my recent adventures and diagnosis (they were all worried about me), this was a message I sent to them to show I was positive and encouraged: 

"Since my new inability to walk has started to look more like a disabled dance move, I decided to make it one. So in celebration of my long awaited diagnosis, here is "the two step" featuring Aubrey." ⬇

For my SSRI treatment, I was started on a low dose (10mg) a day for five days. I was the happiest I had been in a while knowing that I was being fixed. In fact my conversion disorder began to fade away and I was able to walk normal again. I knew the medication would take a few weeks to months before I would start to feel a difference... but I found comfort in the fact that I wasn't going to die! Things started to look up for me. All was going well... at least until... I experienced a panic attack four days later. To my disappointment, I still felt scared for my life. I still experienced minutes of complete terror, and the after effects left me doubting my doctors diagnosis of anxiety and panic disorder yet again. "Perhaps I couldn't be fixed after all", I thought. 

After five days, the dosage of Celexa was increased from 10mg to 20mg. I was hopeful that this might speed up the process of my recovery. Unfortunately, the medication ended up having a paroxysmal effect (the opposite of what it's supposed to). The adverse effects were so intense that my anxiety dramatically increased. I thought I was going crazy. I couldn't sleep because I was experiencing several panic attacks in one night, I saw flashes of light that weren't really there, I felt paresthesias (tingling all over my body such as my head, hips, legs, arms, etc.), and I was super jittery and restless. After talking with my doctor about these side effects, I decided that I couldn't continue with this medication. After a week and a half, I started to ween off of it. 

I was given the option to either try another antidepressant (Zoloft) or, if my anxiety was no longer affecting my ability to function, I could see how I managed without medication. 

With this information, I chose to give myself a trial run and see how I managed without any medication. After the rodeo I had just been through, my anxiety sure felt a lot better. 

I had started coping much better throughout the daytimes since receiving my diagnosis; however, since the paroxysmal affect of Celexa, my anxiety had started to increased significantly at night. My brain seemed to have connected a subconscious pathway to believe that if I fell asleep, I might never wake up again. So when I started to drift into sleep, my heart involuntarily would start racing and I felt butterflies in my stomach! I was physically so tired but my brain would not let me sleep. This kept me up all night no matter what I tried. I became so fearful of dying at any moment that I couldn't fall asleep without touching my husband. I had bizarre thought processes such as: "if I were to pass out and die, my husband might feel me flinch and wake up in enough time to save me". I also used to be a belly sleeper, but because of my anxiety I could no longer sleep in that position for fear I might suffocate on my pillow in the middle of the night. My brain truly believed that if I went to sleep, I would never wake up... so sleep wouldn't happen until roughly 4am every morning. 

Since my anxiety was now mainly affecting me at night, we decided I could try a TCA (an antidepressant called doxepin) as needed to help me sleep (the theory was that I could try and retrain my brain to sleep again).

At this point I was getting frustrated, discouraged, and disheartened. I was so tired of this, and I just wanted to be fixed. Wasn't there just an easy fix? This trial and error business made me feel like a guinea pig as we tried to figure out what would work best with my body... I was still a long way from recovery. And at this point... since none of the treatments seemed to be working... I began to wonder if my diagnosis was even correct to begin with. I tried the Doxepin a couple times, but it didn't help me much as it just made me drowsy and irritable the following day. I started to lose hope, and I started to feel very alone. Although I didn't know it at the time, I had experienced depression. 

Things had gone even more downhill. I started to get anxious when I was by myself. I got afraid of being in a dark and/or quiet environment. I couldn't go to bed without a light on. I started creating unhealthy habits to avoid triggering a panic attack. I was so sad, yet I couldn't cry for intense fear and belief that it would cause a panic attack. I felt nothing. I never thought I would say I wish I could just be sad. I would have given anything to feel something. But all I felt was afraid... and that fear overwhelmed every day of my life.

I had to learn that getting better took a lot of effort on my part (just like any disease or newly acquired illness, it takes effort and time to get back to optimal health). I had to be brave and face a lot of my newly acquired fears. 

During this time, I contacted a counselor through a resource at the college and started going to therapy. I never thought I would be saying "I have an appointment with my therapist." I remember my first meeting with my counselor I felt so awkward. Like... what do I say? I showed up, sat on the couch, and she asked: "How are you today?". In my mind, it was just like in the movies.

I replied: "Good".... (*awkward smiles*). "What do we talk about", I wondered? And just like any doctor, she asked "So what brings you in today?" I proceeded to tell her my story... the story I had told a million times to all the other specialists I had seen. But this time felt different. My concerns were her concerns, and she was solely there for my mental and emotional health. That in itself was like taking a breath of fresh air. I just wanted to hug her for listening and helping me to cope with this. Here I was given tools to start to treat the emotional aspect of anxiety rather than just the physical symptoms.  

I joined some support groups on facebook. Many support groups were very unhelpful as some of the comments members made actually increased my anxiety at times. Some would say things like: "My leg looks swollen and red... I think it might be a blood clot... should I go to the ER?" or "I'm having a really bad panic attack right now... please someone talk to me". No one was helping anyone to get better... they were just venting about their anxiety and asking for someone to hold their hand to get through it. It wasn't until one person in one of these support groups posted a video about a guy named Shaan Kassam that really caught my attention. This video talked about his own experience, how he overcame it, and how I could overcome it as well. 

He had created a private facebook support group solely for people ready to overcome anxiety. "Sure... why not"? I said. While the other unhelpful support groups I was already in had thousands of members, I saw that Shaan's only had about 400. This was comforting to me because I knew he must filter and sensor posts to ensure all content was kept therapeutic. After I was accepted, I saw that within this support group, there were actually "units" (in other words... homework) to complete in order to help me in my journey of overcoming anxiety. There were videos with content about how to "break the cycle" of panic attacks, posts to encourage each member, and even a small book he had personally written available for free to help us. He tagged each new member on the feed and asked if we wanted to share what we were each struggling with so that the group could offer words of support and encouragement. It was the first time I ever felt supported by people dealing with the same thing as me. I didn't feel so alone anymore.

So needless to say, I removed myself from all other support groups, and stayed with just this one, which helped me tremendously. 

However; as time went on, despite all the resources I was able to diligently utilize, I still continued to have dreaded panic attacks. I felt as if I was in a never-ending nightmare every day. I wasn't happy doing things I used to do, and I actually began to wonder if I would survive one more day. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

One day after classes, I was at home watching some funny videos when that strange feeling overwhelmed me. I felt as if I was going to pass out, but I was sitting! Feeling extremely nervous, I called my husband (who was on his way home from work), and he talked with me and tried to help me slow down my breathing as my heart raced. I repeated: "I think we need to go to the ER... this is lasting a lot longer than usual". My husband reassured me that it wasn't longer than other times; but, I had stopped trusting everyone and began to panic. I had convinced myself that everyone had labeled me as a person with anxiety, and that if I had an actual underlying medical condition, no one would believe me enough to help me because they would only see me as a crazy person with anxiety who was having another panic attack. 

As he arrived home, the episode passed. We went for a drive to help me feel peace. The seat warmer helped relax and comfort me. After some time, we decided to go to the library to rent a DVD! I had started to feel much better (still on edge, but better). When I got out of the car, I had taken several steps when I was stopped mid-sentence with an extreme heart palpitation. I remember blacking out completely. I felt nothing. I awoke and caught myself just before trembling to the ground. My heart was racing, I was weak and could barely walk. My husband looked very confused as I began to panic. I asked what had happened and he said I did a "stutter-step". I began to cry hysterically. "Something is not right", I repeated over and over in sobs. I had severe anxiety that it would happen again at any moment. "What just happened? What was that? That was NOT anxiety... I might actually die at any moment", I thought. 

I had to go to the ER to ensure everything was okay. My husband tried to help me think more logically saying, "What are they going to do when you get there? You're aren't passed out, and you are doing okay right now. We can just go to the doctor tomorrow"; but, I refused to listen. How could I comfortably go to sleep tonight knowing that this could happen to me again at any moment? 

I was embarrassed knowing there was a high chance I would go in to find normal results and have wasted so much money, but I couldn't find any relief without making sure everything was okay. That had never happened to me before! We paced the ER parking lot for several minutes debating and discussing the pro's and con's of me going in. I probably looked like a mad woman sobbing hysterically in the ER parking lot. I felt like a mad-woman! I was crying so much that I began to hyperventilate, which made me become even more fearful that I would trigger another incident. It was a vicious cycle, and I again refused to take any narcotic medication for extreme fear that it would slow my breathing too much and kill me in my sleep (sounds a little ridiculous, but that's how I felt at the time). As a nursing student, I had too much knowledge about medications (including all their side- and adverse affects) that it actually increased my anxiety. I became extremely restless and insisted on going inside to the ER. 

A full work-up was ordered, and to my dismay... as well as comfort... everything checked out normal. My doctor was very concerned, however, and it was considered I may have something called postural orthostatic hypotension (POTS). This is a disorder found often in females. An imbalance in the autonomic nervous system can cause rapid shifts in blood pressure, heart rate, digestion, breathing, and more (autonomic dysfunction/dysautonomia). This explained a lot of my symptoms, but the treatment for that was beta-blockers (which I had already attempted taking), which helped some of the symptoms, but not all. While this diagnosis was very promising, there still was no way to officially diagnose it unless I did a tilt-table test... and the only available appointments for that were booked out several months in a location up north. But the good news was that although scary, it was harmless. 

I just couldn't get myself to trust or believe anyone's diagnosis... was it POTS? Was it panic attacks? Was it seizures? Was it a mixture?  

I needed help. My quality of life greatly diminished, and I needed a better treatment plan. As I visited with my doctor, I succumbed to try the antidepressant Zoloft. I was very eery and doubtful after my last experience with Celexa, but I was desperate and clearly all out of options. "What the heck... what have I got to loose?", I thought.

My doctor also ordered an electroencephalogram (EEG) to check out my brain waves to rule out seizure activities. We even got another Holter monitor on-board to double check we didn't miss anything heart related. I kept a very detailed journal which tracked my symptoms for about three days. 

About day two of the Zoloft and Holter monitor, I started feeling strange one evening as my husband and I were watching television. I simply tapped the button on my Holter monitor to trace any symptoms that might be contributing, and stayed as relaxed as I was able. To my despair, things escalated quickly. I thought I had experienced everything anxiety-related, but it turns out I was wrong. My whole body started flailing about. My muscles started to spontaneously contract, and I had no control over my limbs. Was I having a seizure? I couldn't even muster the strength to stand because my muscles were in such a contracted state. I felt like a worm on the floor as my husband worriedly sat by my side. It was exhausting, and soon I couldn't breathe. I began to hyperventilate and screamed for my family to take me to the ER! Knowing that the ER couldn't helped me, my family just lovingly stayed by my side and tried to comfort me. I demanded and begged for them to take me to get help, but they were hesitant. My husband cradled me on the floor explaining that it would pass, but it did not. They helped carry me to the car and got my medication, but I refused to take it. I was terrified of my own body. What was happening to me? I screamed and kicked and continued to flail all about uncontrollably. Parasthesias crept up my body and my muscles ached and cramped. Was my Potassium low? Was I going to die? Thoughts raced through my head. My husband drove slowly towards the ER in hopes that my extreme panic would fade, but it did not. I remember blacking out a bit. I was so exhausted that my body momentarily shut down. My eyes closed and my muscles relaxed. I could hear words, but I was unable to respond. This worried my family greatly, so my husband carried me into the ER. I started to awaken a bit during this time, and my limbs returned to flailing about. I felt as if I couldn't get any air. My sweet husband kept saying: "It's going to be okay". All I could say was: "Okay... okay.... okay" repeatedly with every breath I let out. My mouth and throat were dry. We got me changed into a gown as my husband helped me focus on slowing my breathing. When my parents arrived, they were tearful seeing my condition. This was all very concerning. We had never experienced this before. We thought, this has to be neurological... there's no way this is panic and anxiety. This is insane! 

Unfortunately for me, this particular batch of healthcare staff was unkind to me. Seeing my history of several recent ER visits and normal results, I could feel their eyes rolling in irritation. My nurse asked "So I see you're on Zoloft, how long have you been on it?" "A few days I think", was my reply. It was as if he had an "ah ha" moment (knowing that anti-anxiety medications take a few weeks before they are therapeutic). My concerns were immediately dismissed as I was labeled as a behavioral health patient. 

My care was extremely delayed. My physical symptoms were not severe enough to be attended to quickly in comparison with other patients, so I waited a long time before I got to see a doctor or was able to be cleared to take any sort of calming medications. My mom, being extremely worried, asked if there might be a chance I could stay overnight... as this had been such a terrifying experience for all of us. Our nurse rudely explained that there was no evident reason for me to stay the night. Beds were needed for high acuity patients. Understandably, we tried to be patient knowing that the hospital needed to triage patients appropriately; however, no one has been able to tell me officially what was wrong with me yet. We were in the middle of ruling out seizures! Could they not let me stay overnight and request an EEG tech to monitor me? I have worked at this hospital for four years and I know that is possible... so why was I being treated this way? 

We politely asked to speak to the person higher up after our request was refused. Eventually, another man entered the room with a clipboard. He simply sat down, and said.. "Okay, tell me what's going on". I again started explaining my situation as he wrote down a few scribbles for our entertainment. Clearly he came in for one purpose... to refuse our request to stay. I was shortly interrupted and asked: "Do you know what a pseudo-seizure is?". I angrily said, "Yes, I do." He carried on to say that there was nothing they could do for me. Our concerns were clearly invalid. While I can see their frustration, could they not see mine? Did they not know what it was like? What if I'm having actual seizures? Did you know that the only way to differentiate between a pseudo-seizure and an actual seizure is to get an EEG? They were not concerned at the least. He said "You can get that EEG if you want to, but I'm telling you now, they will not find anything". With some sass, I stated: "Oh, I will". He left the room as we sat in disappointment. Thankfully, I was given some Ativan which calmed me (funny how Ativan treats both seizures AND anxiety... yet they only saw me for anxiety). I was discharged home, never wanting to go back. These people treated me as if I wanted to be there for fun! Never had I been treated in such a way. This increased my depression. 

They prescribed me more Ativan... more Clonazepam. These addictive drugs (even if taken as prescribed), no matter the dose, can get me tested positive for a DUI if I ever got tested while driving. Yet, the ER was just giving them away to get me out of their hair rather than helping me to recover. "Some hospital", I thought. I can't even go to the one place I feel safe. 

I tried to keep my head up, with the support of my loved ones. I did the best that I could every day, and did all I could do... survive. Wait. 

EEG after pulling an all-nighter

After my EEG, the results came back clear. I was devastated. I would be like this forever. There was no hope for me. 

The Holter monitor came back normal as well (even during my potential pseudo-seizure). There were elevated heart rates, but all were normal sinus rhythms. At least we knew that my heart was healthy! 

Zoloft was my last hope. Every day that passed by, I would anticipate for a panic attack. After a few weeks went by... the days passed, but the panic never came. I started to gain a small seed of hope for the first time in months. "I might actually be getting better!", I thought; although, I didn't want to get my hopes too high. With significant improvement, I was still having mini panic attacks (although they were much less severe and occurring much less frequently). This was a positive sign that the medication was working, and that the dosage needed to be adjusted. My doctor increased my dosage from 50mg to 100mg daily, and referred me to a both a therapist (one I could see more consistently than the one I had been seeing at the college) and a psychiatrist (to help manage my medications more efficiently). We also came to terms that it would also be good to see a neurologist locally. While the EEG brain waves came back normal, the test cannot officially rule out seizures unless I was symptomatic and had a seizure during the time of the testing (which I did not). To get in with neurology, this again took several months before I could get an appointment, but it was beneficial for me to get a second neurologist assess me. It was still very possible that I experienced a seizure and developed panic disorder as a secondary condition.

After seeing my psychiatrist for the first time, I left ecstatic! This sweet doctor went through my entire history and medications thoroughly with a listening ear. After listening to my symptoms, she explained that I truly had "panic disorder". My symptoms came very out of the blue, and they were not anxiety driven. She explained that most people when they have a panic attack, it is because a certain situation in which they are exposed to, builds up their anxiety to the point where they have a panic attack (i.e. heights); however, in my situation, my panic attacks just happen for no known reason. I never even had generalized anxiety before all of this! That is why this was all so scary for me! These words were very validating for me. We then went through each of my medications one by one and asked if I had any side effects or concerns (i.e. decreased libido, constipation, etc.). I relayed that the 100mg seemed to have basically cured my anxiety; although, I was still having sleep problems. I probably got only 3-4 hours of sleep each night (probably PTSD from all the trauma I had recently endured). It was explained that I may have something called "exploding head syndrome". I also later discovered that I was potentially experiencing "brain zaps" (although mine weren't caused by a result of medication withdrawal, but instead was from a brain chemical imbalance). She prescribed Trazodone 50-100mg which helped me finally sleep. I also explained I was starting to experience consistent paresthesias in my left jaw and arm, which I thought might be a side effect of the Zoloft, but I was told that it is more likely I have contracted muscles as a result from the anxiety, which was compressing my nerves (was there anything I didn't have??). I was recommended to see a massage therapist and chiropractor regularly (can't complain about that), which began to help me. We also discussed continuing to see a therapist once every two weeks to help me with my anxiety related to panic disorder. The improvement of my health started to trend upward after this treatment plan. 

Seeing my new therapist was a little awkward, but that went away quickly. He was extremely kind and was a great listener and teacher. After my visits with him, I always think "everyone should see a therapist"! My mood was tracked with each visit. The first visit I was very depressed with quite severe anxiety. I remember him asking me if I had any thoughts of killing myself or of suicide. I remember hesitating with this question. After much hesitation, I said, "Well I don't want to die if that's what you're asking..." He kindly and softly replied: "Sure. Would you believe me if I told you a lot of people actually feel that way? You can want to kill yourself, but also not want to die". I remember tearing up speaking about depression. "I'm not a sad person", I thought. "What has happened to me? I'm a happy person". Yet, I felt so very hopeless and alone in all of my struggles. I didn't see a bright future in my path. My therapist helped open my eyes. 

With each session, I was able to practice healthy behaviors which significantly improved my overall mental health. In fact, after about four visits, the mood tracker curve skyrocketed from mildly depressed with severe anxiety, to back to baseline (where most happy/normal people are). I surprised myself and my therapist! The treatment plan was working beautifully with a good combination of medication and therapy. I started to feel myself again (something I never thought I would feel). We came up with a backup plan in the case that I were to experience such extreme panic attacks in the future. While the hope is that therapy helps to provide me with skills to try and reduce the severity of my panic attacks... this takes a lot of practice, and in the meanwhile, times of mental crisis can occur and an emergency plan is needed. I planned to take my emergency medication, and if that failed, I would have my husband take me to the access center. The access center is a wonderful resource that I wish I would've utilized early on. The professionals there are specially trained to work with mental health patients, and if needed, they would send me to the ER if they believed my physical health was ever in question. It is also much cheaper than a visit to the ER! With this wonderful treatment plan, I felt fully supported, and I was as happy as a clam. I was cured.

Although I still experienced minor problems here and there, I was recovering wonderfully with time. Life was good again. I have learned that anxiety comes from within, and therefore healing also comes from within. My anxious thoughts resulting from panic disorder had subconsciously turned into bad habits which took a lot of work on my part to fix. 

The treatment for anxiety and/or depression varies for every person, which is why it is often difficult to find relief. Anxiety is a serious condition, which can have a lot of strange manifestations, making it hard to diagnose. 

For any who have this condition, one can find comfort in the diagnosis when they have addressed all of their concerns with medical professionals. I saw many different specialists until every single concern of mine was ruled out. For me, this was needed in order to be confident in my diagnosis and therefore adhere to a treatment plan. As my treatment plan for anxiety began to work (it was the only one that did), that was my final confirmation needed. It was proof that anxiety was the main source of my troubles. 

I have experienced more symptoms of anxiety than most would (i.e. black outs, palpitations, racing heart, hot flashes, sleep disturbances, tremors, jerking motions, conversion disorder, panic attacks, low potassium, paresthesias, pseudo-seizures, etc). Although it is very possible there was an underlying medical condition (seizure, POTS, hormone imbalance, heart malfunction, etc.), I know that I am now better at managing and coping with the unknowns. I have the resources available to get treatment for my physical health if necessary, as well as my mental health needed. 

There was a time that I remember thinking, "what if this never ends"? I would cry every night for the misery to be taken away. Not only was I burdened mentally and physically, but also spiritually. I got envious of people's testimonials who would say things like: "Although I didn't understand why I had to endure the trial at the time, I can see now why and I am grateful how much I have grown from it". While this is wonderful, some people don't have the luxury of overcoming their trials. Some people have chronic health conditions or terminal illnesses! I put myself in this category once, and I will never dismiss anyone who may be feeling this way; although, I have learned that the beauty about mental health is that peace and blessings can be enjoyed not only after a trial, but in ALL stages of trials (before, during and after!). So whatever the illness be (whether the disease/difficulty is chronic or acute), life can be better and worth living every day.

Below are some things that have helped me in my journey of overcoming the seemingly never-ending nightmare of anxiety. I still have setbacks, and I am still overcoming... but I strive to continue to learn every day! My hope is to increase awareness of anxiety/panic attacks (because this sure would've been nice for me to know beforehand) and help people know they can seize it and find daily peace. Please feel free to share this with anyone you think might benefit! 

Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Anxiety is not seeing things for how they really are in the present. It involves feelings of extreme emotions which cannot be matched with logic. Here is an example:

• I feel like I am going to pass out; therefore, I must be dying
• What are the chances of dying from passing out? Even if you do pass out, is it logical that you will die? 

Sometimes people have an obvious stress trigger which can lead into a panic attack. Their anxiety builds up and releases. For others (like me), the cause is unknown. 

Anxiety can be biological (genetic makeup), sociological (adapted from experiences), psychological (subconscious harmful thought patterns), or a mixture of each. 

Symptoms of Anxiety 

This list does not include all symptoms, but these are fairly common ones that I experienced, and I know others have experienced. It is obvious these symptoms are not diagnostic of anxiety because they are each vague, and can be indicative of a number of health related issues that may be completely unrelated to anxiety. That is why something like panic disorder is difficult to diagnose until all medical concerns have been addressed and ruled out. 

• Dizziness/lightheadedness
• Out-of-body experience
• Confusion
• Tinnitus (ringing in the ear)
• "Brain fog"
• Depersonalization/derealization
• Blurred vision
• Knots in stomach
• Nausea
• Hot/cold flashes
• Sudden urge to pee
• Sweats
• Headache
• Pounding/racing heart (palpitations)
• Shallow breathing
• Hyperventilation
• Unable to catch breath
• Feeling like can't breathe
• Chest pain
• Tingling sensations
• Shaky/tremors (which can lead to low potassium)
• Digestive problems
• Muscle aches
• Digestion problems

These symptoms come into play as a normal body response to extreme stress (keep in mind this could be physical, emotional, or a mixture of both stressors). 

For example, have you ever seen the movie Jurassic Park? Can you imagine how you might feel if you were actually hiding or running from a T-rex?

Your body produces hormones such as adrenaline which tells you to "fight or flight" (or freeze/flee). Your heart starts to race, you start to breathe quickly, you suddenly feel really hot or cold... etc. In the moment of facing a T-rex, you aren't going to think about heart palpitations or having a hard time breathing. That's simply because you just want to SURVIVE. However, when you have anxiety, your body reacts in the same manner... but you notice that there is no dinosaur causing imminent danger. So now instead of focussing on surviving an obvious threat (the dinosaur), you are now focussing on a threat that isn't even there. In fact, your threat is actually coming from within (your physical symptoms of anxiety).

I feared death at the age of 25 simply because I didn't understand anxiety and its accompanying bizarre physical symptoms. The dinosaur in my life was not something I could physically see, so the cycle of panic attacks became seemingly never-ending (panic attack = what is wrong with me? = fear and worry = anxiety = panic attack = cycle repeats).

Getting Diagnosed

Anxiety is hard to diagnose because it mimics so many other problems (which is why I had to bounce around from specialist to specialist). It is important to rule out anything major with the guidance of medical professionals. 

The key with anxiety is trusting the medical professionals if/when they tell you that in fact you do have anxiety/panic disorder. If the symptoms are being well monitored and they say you are indeed "normal"... it's okay to accept help and humbly trial the treatment for anxiety. If the treatment doesn't work, there is no need to fear because a new treatment plan will be formed each time until you get it right. 

For me, having a good treatment plan that everyone was on board with helped me the most to have peace and be able to recover. While the treatment plan was constantly changing to best fit my personal health needs, I felt fully supported with all of my family, friends, and medical professionals on my side. 

Achieving Peace

While I was trying to find relief from my panic attacks, even with all of the resources available, I had to see what worked best for me specifically.

There wasn't a magic healing potion that was a "fix all" solution. For example: Many resources directed me to try meditation every night; however, meditation focussed a lot on breathing (which actually made me more anxious). So instead of meditating on my breathing, I would focus on something else for a while using other techniques I will share below. 

Facing Fears:
If fear crept into my thoughts, I learned to recognize them, but not entertain them. They came, I accepted them, and then I allowed them to leave. I began to view my thoughts from a third person's view with no judgement (thoughts are neither good or bad, they just are). 

Positive Self-Talk:

Instead of thinking unrealistic thoughts such as: "what if this is a deadly blood clot that can kill me any second", positive self-talk can be used. By nature, the brain wanders and creates thoughts. 

Ensuring that those thoughts were positive required me to consciously recognize them, and strive to be kinder to myself. 

Coping Skills:

This can include:

• Meditation
• Mindfulness
• Thankful notebook
• Journaling
• Physical exercises
• Yoga
• Cardio
• Swimming laps

For me, it was a variety of each.

Coping skills in themselves are not a cure. Repairing an anxious mind requires diligent effort to change subconscious automized thoughts and core beliefs, which can be explored during therapy. Coping techniques help in the long-term as well as aid in relief during the learning process. 

Here are some coping skills that I have tried: 

1. BYU Relaxation Recordings, which can be found here. These consist of guided, peaceful recordings that help one to feel and practice calmness. They involve:

• Autogenics
• Body Scanning
• Breathing Exercises
• Meditation
• Muscle relaxation
• Performance Rehearsal
• Self-hypnosis
• Visualization 

2. Mindfulness: Is about being in the present moment. 

This technique became the most beneficial for me as I diligently practiced daily and worked with my therapist. 

I first had to learn that if I only used coping skills when I was anxious (i.e. during a panic attack), the intended calming result would fail.

The brain needs to be familiar with something before it can do it naturally and instinctively.  

For example, if I never learned how to play basketball and I was automatically thrown into a game, I would do very poorly and become very discouraged. However, if I took the time to learn how to play beforehand (i.e. Feel what a basketball feels like, familiarize myself with how to throw a ball, learn the rules, etc.) and practiced daily, the game would result in more self-confidence and success. The same concept applies to coping skills (especially mindfulness). 
  
To get started with my mindfulness practice, I would begin by remembering to be present every time I brushed my teeth until it became more of a habit. I would feel the bristles and observe the taste of the toothpaste in my mouth. I realized that when I was thinking about brushing my teeth, I wasn't thinking about anything else. How did I ever live life without this technique before? Suddenly there was no thinking: What do I need to get done today? What if I don't pass that test in class today? etc. These thoughts were creating unnecessary stress in my life! When you brush your teeth, you simply brush your teeth! Eventually, this helped me throughout my day (when going on a walk, I would listen to the sounds such as the different noises birds would make or concentrate on the rushing sounds of cars going by). 

The world suddenly became bigger and more open. 

Stress tends to keep us in our minds, so being in the present takes us outside for a bit, allowing us to find peace and relief. 

        Here are some simple mindfulness exercises that I started with.

• Touch:
• Any item can be used, but this uses bubble wrap.
• Look at the bubble wrap. Notice the color, shape, and size.
• Pick up the bubble wrap and notice texture, weight
• Focus in on a single bubble. Notice details about the shape
• Pinch the single bubble. Notice the pressure and change in texture
• Pop a single bubble. Notice the physical feel, the texture, the sound as it pops
• Go back to step 1 and notice the difference as you pop the bubbles.
• Sound:
• This can be any noise, but this uses music
• Hear the music. Notice your breathing as you listen to the music
• Take 5 slow deep breaths
• Notice where your mind goes as you listen, and breathe
• Accept your thoughts and then when you choose, return to the focus on the listening and the breathing.
• Taste:
• This can be anything (mint, gum, food, etc.), but this uses candy
• Look at the candy. Notice the color, shape, size
• Pick up the candy. Notice texture, weight, balance, smell
• Put the candy, in your mouth, notice the feel of the candy in your mouth, and notice the flavor(s), temperature, and your own physical reactions.
• Move the candy around in your mouth. Notice how the flavor changes, notice the feel, temperature
• Eat the candy, notice the physical process of eating, what muscles are used and what reactions and feeling you have as you eat it.
• Smell:
• This can be any scent (i.e. perfume, essential oils, etc.), this uses lotion, which mixes both touch and smell!
• Put some lotion on your hands, notice the texture, smell and feel of the lotion
• Rub your hands together, notice the feel and the smell

3. Exercise and Diet:

• Water: Stay hydrated!
• Weight (lbs.) / 2 = mL of water per day (at least) 

• Diet: 
• Vitamin B12: Many people are deficient in this vitamin. It helps the neurological system, and paresthesias can actually result if there is not enough of this in the body.

• Vitamin D3: I didn't realize I was low in this vitamin until my nails started peeling! After getting some more lab drawn, we realized I was deficient. Lack of natural sunlight (especially in this generation from working or studying indoors most of the day) can truly have a negative effect on the mind and body. This is a fat-soluble vitamin, so this, just like any supplement, should be discussed with a primary care physician before consuming.

• Healthy eating: I had to try to incorporate more fruits and veggies in my diet, as well as cut out a lot of processed foods and unnecessary carbs. Moderation in all things, especially diet, is essential to overall health and well-being. 

• Exercise: 
• At least 30 minutes every day should be everyone's goal.

• Yoga: There are so many different types of yoga! I originally tried a "slow flow" yoga, but I didn't enjoy it because it focussed a lot on my breathing and quiet surroundings (which increased my anxiety at the time), but I found "Buti" yoga which is my absolute favorite yoga now. It's a mixture of dance and yoga all-together, and it made me laugh and smile.

• Fiton app: Is one of my favorite apps because it's FREE, and has tons of workout videos you can follow along with. 

Get Support/Help:

• Social Media & Online support groups
• Follow my IG @anxiety.depression.peace
• Follow @notsosecretdiaryofanxiety on IG 
• Follow Shaan Kassam 
• On Youtube, facebook, and instagram. 
• You can also find his website here. 
• Family and/or friends
• Therapists & counselors
• Doctors & specialists

As I became more open/vocal about my anxiety, I found that there are SO MANY people out there who have silently struggled with anxiety/panic attacks. I found a lot of comfort in this.

Face Your Fears:

For me, I had to turn to my religion (my faith). Being a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I needed to strengthen my faith in Jesus Christ.

About six years ago when I was a missionary in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, I remember a talk from Elder Uceda from the quorum of the seventy when he came to visit.

He talked about fear and faith. 

He had explained to us the five steps of the gospel of Jesus Christ in order:
1) Faith
2) Repentance
3) Baptism
4) Receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost
4) Endure to the end

He explained by asking us a few questions: 

• "Can you endure to the end if you don't have the holy ghost?" NO
• "Can you receive the gift of the holy ghost if you are not baptized?" NO
• "Can you be baptized if you have not repented?" NO
• "Can you repent if you have no faith?" NO 

Everything leads back to one simple concept. Faith. 

And then it hit me. I couldn't endure to the end because I didn't have the first step within the gospel of Jesus Christ... FAITH 

He explained how often times we like to stay in our comfort zone because we are afraid. 

Fear is the opposite of faith, and hinders our growth and progression.

He told a story: "Imagine it's late one night and you hear a knock on the door. You feel afraid. But if you just bring yourself to open the door... you will open it to find that nothing is there. This whole time, your fear was just a ghost that never existed." 

To sum it up: "Fear is just a ghost that doesn't exist". 

If you face your fears, you will find that they were never really anything to be afraid of all along. Fear is what Satan uses to impede our progression and success in this life.

For me, I had begun to notice some trending patterns that my anxiety had created. 

I started to be afraid of walking up the stairs (since that increased my heart rate, and I feared it might trigger a panic attack), so I started taking the elevator. 

I was afraid of the quiet, since my panic attacks had begun in a quiet environment, so I always had music playing or background white noise. 

I was afraid of being alone in case I would die and nobody would be there to perform CPR until it was too late (so I made sure I was always with a family member). 

I was afraid of going to sleep (because I was afraid I would go to sleep and never wake up). I had so many fears.

It took a lot of courage for me to face every day and look death straight in the eye, and I just couldn't do it alone any longer. That's where our savior Jesus Christ and his atonement comes in. I started to notice the tender mercies in my life. I had the most perfect ministering sisters who would check in on me (In fact, one of them actually worked at the health and counseling center where she was able to help get me in to see a counselor and give me tools to better cope!).

Come What May, and Love It

I remember it being hard for me to have faith for a while. I was actually pretty bitter with God. Here I was, working hard (trying to become a nurse for crying out loud!), and I was doing everything right. 

Why me? I had given up on faith.

I had this question that remained implanted in my brain: "What's the point of praying/asking for help, when God's will, will always just be God's will?"

In other words, if God already has a plan and knows what's best for us... then what's the point of asking him for help when it won't do any good? I had prayed every night for him to take away my pain. I wanted it to get better, and I wanted it to get better now. He's a God of miracles... why cant he just do this one thing for me? 

I was directed by my ministering sister (who had this same question once upon a time) to look at "prayer" in the bible dictionary. I found my answer there:

"Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them... Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings."

Things learned: 

1. You have blessings to claim
2. Some blessings are a result of God's will, but others are held until we show faith by asking God

With that knowledge, I was able to increase my faith and be more patient. I knew God's plan was the best, but it was hard to accept. As I was striving to be patient and "accept anxiety", and continued asking God for help, a thought came to me one day (which I knew was the spirit). 

It repeated in my mind "come what may, and love it." I remembered that this was a talk someone had given once upon a time, so I looked it up when I had arrived home. This has been the most powerful message to me (here are some inserts, although I highly recommend reading the whole thing):

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin--

"Every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don't sing and the bells don't ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are the happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result. 

While every man and woman on this stand today has experienced an abundant measure of joy, each also has drunk deeply from the cup of disappointment, sorrow, and loss. The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness... like everyone else, I have had times in my life when it seemed that the heaviness of my heart might be greater than I could bear. But whenever my steps led through seasons of sadness and sorrow, my mother's words often came back to me: 'Come what may, and love it." 

How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can't--at least not in the moment. I don't think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don't think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life. If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.

The first thing we can do is learn to laugh. Have you ever seen an angry driver who, when someone else makes a mistake, reacts as though that person has insulted his honor, his family, his dog, and his ancestors all the way back to Adam? Or have you had an encounter with an overhanging cupboard door left open at the wrong place and the wrong time which has been cursed, condemned, and avenged by a sore-headed victim? There is an antidote for times such as these: learn to laugh. The next time you're tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.  

The second thing we can do is seek for the eternal. You may feel singled out when adversity enters your life. You shake your head and wonder, 'why me?' But the dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to each of us. At one time or another, everyone must experience sorrow: No one is exempt. Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others. 

Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others. 

Remember the sublime words of the Savior to the Prophet Joseph Smith when he suffered with his companions in the smothering darkness of Liberty jail: 'My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment, and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.'

With that eternal perspective, Joseph took comfort from these words, and so can we. Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome.

The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude. One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father. Because Heavenly Father is merciful, a principle of compensation prevails. 

The fourth thing we can do is put our trust in our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ: 'God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son.' The Lord Jesus Christ is our partner, helper, and advocate. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to be successful. If we do our part, He will step in.

 He who descended below all things will come to our aid. He will comfort and uphold us. He will strengthen us in our weakness and fortify us in our distress. He will make weak things become strong. 

The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him.

I know why there must be opposition in all things: Adversity, if handled correctly, can be a blessing in our lives. We can learn to love it.

As we look for humor, seek for the eternal perspective, understand the principle of compensation, and draw near to our Heavenly Father, we can endure hardship and trial. We can say, as did my mother, 'Come what may, and love it.'" 1

These words were comforting and allowed peace to enter more abundantly in my life. Another talk that brought me closer to Jesus Christ was called "Trust in the Lord", by Elder Richard G. Scott. Here are some inserts which were of great help to me:

Trust in the Lord:

"Now may I share some suggestions with you who face the second source of adversity, the testing that a wise Heavenly Father determines is needed even when you are living a worthy, righteous life and are obedient to His commandments. Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where he wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain. 

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose, others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. 

It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial?

To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning. To produce fruit, your trust in the Lord must be more powerful and enduring than your confidence to your own personal feelings and experience. To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it fory your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all. When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the path and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your firs tpetition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love. 

Your willingness to accept the will of the Father will not change what in His wisdom He has chosen to do. However, it will certainly change the effect of those decisions on you personally

I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith. He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way. They often come after the trial has been the greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father. They point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will. 

There is no guarantee of overnight results, but there is absolute assurance that, in the Lord's time, solutions will come, peace will prevail, and emptiness will be filled. Don't let the workings of adversity totally absorb your life. Try to understand what you can. Act where you are able, then let the matter rest with the Lord for a period while you give to others in worthy ways before you take on appropriate concern again.

Please learn that as you wrestle with a challenge and feel sadness because of it, you can simultaneously have peace and rejoicing. Yes, pain, disappointment, frustration, and anguish can be temporary scenes played out on the stage of life. Behind them there can be a background of peace and the positive assurance that a loving Father will keep His promises. You can qualify for those promises by a determination to accept His will, by understanding the plan of happiness, by receiving all of the ordinances, and by keeping the covenants made to assure their fulfillment.

The Lord's plan is to exalt you to live with Him and be greatly blessed. The rate at which you qualify is generally set by your capacity to mature, to grow, to love, and to give of yourself. He is preparing you to be a god. You cannot understand fully what that means, yet, He knows. As you trust Him, seek and follow His will, you will receive blessings that your finite mind cannot understand here on earth. Your Father in Heaven and His Holy Son know better than you what brings happiness. They have given you the plan of happiness, As you understand and follow it, happiness will be your blessing. As you willingly obey, receive, and honor the ordinances and covenants of that holy plan, you can have the greatest measure of satisfaction in this life. Yes, even times of overpowering happiness. You will prepare yourself for an eternity of glorious life with your loved ones who qualify for that kingdom.

To recognize the hand of the Lord in your life and to accept His will without complaint is a beginning. That decision does not immediately eliminate the struggles that will come for your growth. But I witness that it is the best way there is for you to find strength and understanding. It will free you from the dead ends of your own reasoning. It will allow your life to become a productive, meaningful experience, when otherwise you may now know how to go on. I testify that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you. I witness that the Savior gave His life for your happiness. I know Him. He understands your every need. I positively know that as you accept Their will without complaint, They will bless and sustain you." 2

Words of Wisdom:

Despite all of my struggles, I bravely conquered nursing school and graduated with my BSN degree. I successfully passed my NCLEX exam and attained my licensure to be a registered nurse. I am proud of my accomplishments, but I am most proud that I am a stronger and more refined, compassionate person because of my daily struggles. 

• Anxiety is a dragon that I slay every day
• Although the bad days may seem endless, you can still feel many moments of relief and peace
• Learn to let "come what may, and love it"
• Give your body more credit! It works hard--Give yourself more credit! YOU work hard
• Don't let the nightmare of anxiety engulf you in complete darkness (you have that power)
• Strengthen your faith in Jesus Christ
• Keep smiling, and keep going!!
• "‘[You] did not come this far only to come this far.’ Keep going. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing… Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever.”--Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
• Anxiety is not forever! Not matter your family history background of mental illness, anxiety is not a condition that you are sentenced with for life after being diagnosed. There is a treatment plan that is perfect for YOU. It just takes patience and hard work to find it. It's a myth that anxiety or depression can't be cured. Everyone has an amount of healthy anxiety... it's just a matter of getting you back to it! Believe in yourself--I know I do! 

1. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2008/10/come-what-may-and-love-it?lang=eng
2. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1989/04/trust-in-the-lord?lang=eng